The Brah Guide to the Super Bowl II
February 5, 2010



I can't tell you how pleased I am that Brah! correspondent JJ Bail sent me his Superbowl Rooting Guide cause damn it I'm still bitter. In an effort to overcome my pain and general lack of interest in the game I'm concentrating on the food instead. Can't say I'm well versed (or versed at all, ha) in creole cuisine but I'm going to do my best, and I'm making my first-ever King Cake for extra good voodoo. It's all yours, JJ. GO SAINTS!!




Ask yourself: are you going to be Manning up? Or is life just such a Brees that you are still reading this sentence after those two atrocious puns? With a sparkling, new, crappy decade comes a sparkling, new, crappy football championship game, per usual represented in an obsolete numbering system meant to provide gravitas to the world’s greatest advertising vehicle, the Superbowl! Ring up XLIV on your Roman hand abacus and get set for some bombast! Caution: Solomon Wilcots is involved! Can you handle!



It’s XLIV time. That’s right, we’re going to x-live the x-game of the x-year. Xs and Os, baby. And a L, I, and V, just to juice things up. And we’re going to drop this shit – where else – at Joe Robbie Stadium! I mean Pro Player Park. I mean Pro Player Stadium. I mean Dolphins Stadium. I mean Dolphin Stadium. I mean LandShark Stadium (yes, after the beer produced as a joint venture between Budweiser and Jimmy Buffet). I mean Sun Life Stadium (which I believe is a protein shake created as a joint venture between Capri-Sun and Iggy Pop). Hell, who knows what the name is anymore. It’s in Florida, so who cares anyway.


Whatever the case, the fine folks at Brah have asked me cobble together a bunch of half-assed internet links, slap on the title “Superbowl Rooting Guide,” and put it up on the internet for searchbots to read. Below are some random categories with an entry for each team. For those without a clearly-defined rooting interest – I’m looking at you, Houston Texan fans, if there are any of you out there – this guide will help you determine which team to cheer for on Sunday, much the same way the SAT “helps” you decide where to go (or not go) to college. Bring on Super Sunday!


TEAM STADIUM:


IND: In 2008, the Colts opened their new monument to civic appropriation, Lucas Oil Stadium. Redefining theft upwards (with retro touches, I’m sure), the Colts pay only $250,000 per year in rent (while generating tens of millions of dollars in revenue) and contributed only $66 million to the $719 million cost. Looking like a cross between a centipede and a breadbox, it didn’t take long for things to sour.


As if that wasn’t enough, it wasn’t just human assholes dropping their debt on the public, mouse assholes were dropping their debits ono food service areas.





I especially like that this employee asked for his identity to be hidden. Wouldn't want to jeopardize that seasonal, min-wage job cleaning up mouse shit!

(Full story here.)


Heck, which is worse, real mouse shit or fake crowd noise?



NO: In the spirit of editorial equanimity, I should probably track down some salacious facts about the Superdome. But we all know what tragic events took place at that location. Indeed, the stadium has become a symbol of so much mismanagement and calamity that it wouldn’t be right to lump it in with all the other monuments to greed and graft. Hey, this isn’t about football at all! Did someone just fumble or what! Touchdown!


TEAM STADIUM SPONSOR:


IND: Lucas Oil apparently makes petroleum products or something. Their catchy advertising slogan is "It works." Chalk up a promotion for the junior adperson who thought that one up. They don't call them "creatives" for nothing. "It works" boldly counters the "It doesn't work" narrative that plagues so many automotive products. The website features a fun Testimonials page featuring such comments as this one by Allen Dowty: "just to let you i was not much of a beleaver in you products,,i took a trip to readding calf, from tucson and i put your turn up in a bottel in my tank 2 times and beleave me i got 30 miles a gl in are crv and i have told people how will it works and they now are using it thanks."


Wowzers. I hope Lucas Oil products work better than the American education system! Zing! Hell, with spelling and grammar like that, you might as well call them testi-groan-ials. Zoink! It is, however, a bit disturbing to note that the "Slick Mist" product testimonial page is currently empty.


Perhaps it doesn't "work." Or maybe customers are simply mistaking it for a sexual lubricant. If it is the latter, who knows what they'll think of the product currently in R&D testing, Lucas Tool Box Buddy, Aerosol.


[Editor's Note: I think you're on to something with the 'sexual lubricant' theory. This product "STOPS DRY STARTS"! -- BP]


NO: N/A, amazingly.


TEAM MASCOT:


IND: The Colts mascot is a psychotic-eyed horse named, inventively, Blue. His homepage is here and features a neat little widget called "Blue Tube", which must get about 10 million porn-seeking search engine misdirects a year. His site also contains a certain type of public service message: "Warning: prolonged exposure to Blue may cause spontaneous, side-splitting laughter, cheek burning, and results in peeing of the pants." I, for one, can tell you that I've perused just about all the content available on this website, and my pants are entirely dry. I'm not sure who Blue is spending his time with, but perhaps Blue should be looking elsewhere for the causes of this incontinence.


Or perhaps there is another reason, hinted at in Blue’s bio:


“Early in his training, he realized he was much different from all the other horses. One day he woke up and noticed a blue spot on his fur. He tried to hide his embarrassing spots from the other horses by wearing his saddle all day and night. Each day he woke up, and his spots were growing bigger and bluer, Bigger and Bluer, BIGGER AND BLUER!”


Bigger and bluer indeed. And can someone tell me what’s going on with Blue’s outfit in this picture:




Of course, the activity pictured below is bound to make him “bigger and bluer.”





And lastly, here is an inexplicably picture of Blue either taking a crap, sporting wood or, disturbingly, both:





NO: "Gumbo" is the official mascot of the Saints. His page is here. I especially like this one of Gumbo's listed interests: "Cruising on my Saints Scooter in the French Quarter." Hmm, I'm pretty sure I know what "cruising in the French Quarter" is a euphemism for, but a "saints scooter?" Does Lucas Oil make a product to service said scooter?


Here is a picture of Gumbo frightening our nation's senior citizens:




Sir Saint is another Saints mascot, though he is apparently “unofficial” and thus warrants no space on the team’s website. Take a look at his picture below. Could his unofficial status be attributable to the fact that he has a scrotum for a chin? You tell me.




TEAM OWNERSHIP:


IND: The Colts are owned by Jim Irsay. Requisite idiotic picture:




Irsay paid $2.3 million for Kerouac’s scroll of “On the Road,” because nothing signifies literary appreciation like outright commodification. He collects guitars. He writes poetry, including this gem about the Colts last Superbowl victory:


Once upon a time – oh, what a time it was, a time that moved within us – the seeds of our humble beginnings,

We would gather in our circles and pray together on sore, bended knees, holding hands to keep our dreams from escaping from our hearts,

We had heard about a time, a time that might be ours, a time that the spirit might deliver – when long tired days were shared within those rooms,

And we would lose some along the way, but we would honor them with a gift of conviction and faith,

We would hold on with nothing left within us except the will that says, ‘Hold on,’

We would cry and we would laugh,

We would suffer and we would rejoice,

We would get angry and we would meet sadness,

But we would always find our circle,

With clenched hands and heads bowed, and ask for the courage when the distance seemed too far,

Then, on a rain-drenched, windy night, hiding deep inside a magical, Florida winter, we finally walked softly into our time.

Yes, he started a poem with "Once upon a time." Genius. Hey, he's rich and buys a bunch of crap and friends and success. He must be cool too, right? Rolling Stone certainly thinks so. But then again, so does Forbes.

NO: Tom Benson, owner of the Saints, is perhaps best depicted in this video:




Oh fine, he’s old, he’s confused, he’s rich. What do you expect? Do you expect him to boogie (at 1:37)?




Rumors have circulated for years that Benson wants to move the Saints out of New Orleans and he pointedly refused to confirm the team would remain in the city after Katrina. Success at the Superbowl will surely only spur him to seek an even-sweeter deal from area residents. If he shows up on the broadcast on Sunday, then you’ll know who won the game. Or maybe not.


TEAM WEBSITE


IND: The Colts website is rather standard, though it does have The Polian Corner. What, is this where he pressures the league for rule changes that favor his team? Or pressures the team to hire his son as GM?


NO: As of this writing, the Saints website proclaims "The Saints Celebrate the Greatest Season Ever!" Now, I don't want to be accused of raining on their... (hold on, wrong metaphor), but couldn't they maybe wait a week for that proclamation? I know they've never gotten to the big game before, but is losing the Superbowl really the greatest season ever? Let's not be satisfied with our success or anything, boys.


TEAM QUARTERBACK:


IND: If Peyton Manning shills a tree falling in the woods and nobody buys it, does he then shill for something else falling in the woods? Or does he just pair up with Eli, Donald Trump, a Donald Trump impersonator and participate in one of the stupidest advertising campaigns ever created?




Oh, I see, it’s making fun of selling out! Oh no you didn’t!


NO: I'm sure Brees hawks his fair share of watery BBQ sauces and disposable adult diapers, but it is hard to think of him the same way as you think of "Soupy Sales" Manning. However, here is an amusing article of their respective scores on The Dave Brown Index which is a "qualitative" index of celebrity appeal or some such idiocy.


BATTLE OF THE BACKUP TEAM QUARTERBACK:




IND: Manning's regular back-up, JIm Sorgi, is on Injured Reserve, thrusting rookie Curtis Painter into the spotlight. He got his first action in Week 16 when the Colts began resting their starters (which everyone bitched about at the time, but you don't hear mentioned much lately, do you). Painter's take on the experience: "I was excited to get the opportunity. Unfortunately, it didn't go well.




NO: The backup to Brees (I really couldn't figure out how to make Brees possessive, is it like 8 apostrophes or something? Can I somehow signify a birthmark with punctuation?) is Mark Brunell, longtime Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback. Now it wouldn't be the Superbowl - America's Game - in Florida without a little dash of America's newest game in Florida (and everywhere else), real estate litigation! Brunell is being sued over defaulting on a $2.24 million real estate loan. Naturally, he is countersuing the bank for failing to provide a follow-up loan. Ah, Florida!


PLAYER BLOGS:


Unfortunately, we at Brah couldn’t find many interesting non-team player blogs. It’s either self-promotional sites or team-sponsored blandness. So, here goes:


IND: DB Kelvin Hayden and TE (TE/WR for fantasy nerds) [Editor's Note: noted. Clark was on Nightmare Squad this year.] Dallas Clark have worthless team blog entries.


NO: TE Billy Miller was keeping a weekly blog for the Saints site, but was injured in Week 3 and went on Injured Reserve (ending his season). Guess where his blog ends?


AUGURIES OF THE ABSURD (wherein the Rooting Guide finds hidden (and, naturally, puerile) categories of team identification):


CELEBRITY SUPERBOWL PICKS:




(We're not going to run down the whole list of washed-up athletes and Hollywood z-listers pretending to follow football, but you can scroll it here.)


IND: Rod Blagojevich, Danica Patrick
NO: Jimmy Fallon, Valerie Bertinelli
Valerie Bertinelli’s logic is infallible:

"Saints 24-21. With those two quarterbacks, there has to be some scoring because they are both brilliant. The Saints have a deep offense and the defense is so good they will hold the Colts back. It will be a great game no matter what...especially when the Saints win.”

Technically, Vals, the over/under is 56, so 45 would not be considered much scoring by Vegas standards. You implication seems to be that scoring will be plentiful, given the collective brainpower in the radio helmets. However I do commend you on the comedic misdirection of your last sentence. Indeed, it will be great game… if Valerie Bertinelli says so!

SUPERBOWLS OF THE FUTURE:

Robot Superbowl
Decide yourself which team is the Crushers (53) and the Resistors (39).


Tecmo Bowl


Madden Bowl


Puppy Bowl
[Editor's Note: My $'s on Bear. -- BP]


Kitty Bowl


Lingerie Bowl
(horrible website, horrible everything really)


The Super Bowl!


RIDICULOUS PROP BETS:


Proposition wagers are wagers on specific events outside of the normal wagers placed on football games (win, spread, total points). These are usually based on player/team stats and game events and have very low or high payouts. Each years Bodog prints a long list (100+) prop bets and includes a few dozen 'novelty props' for the marketing juice. The full list can be found here (team & miscellaneous) and here (players). These are all real wagers, btw.


Which sideline reporter will be on TV first after the opening kickoff?


Solomon Wilcots: -115
Steve Tasker: -115


If any member of the Who smashes their guitar what does the guitar hit first?


Floor: 1/5
Speaker: 4/1
Microphone: 5/1
Drummer: 200/1 (!)
Fan: 200/1


If the New Orleans Saints win will Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush be engaged by July 31st 2010?


Yes: +150
No: -180


How Many Times will CBS announcers fully mention Hurricane Katrina during the game?


Over/Under: 2.5 (O (-150); U (+120)


What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?


Lime Green: 8/1
Yellow: 10/13
Orange: 11/2
Red: 10/1
Blue: 25/2
Clear/Water: 9/5


TEAM CHEERLEADERS:


IND: Cheerleader Bio highlights:


Desiree C: 3 things I'd bring to a deserted island: FiberOne Bars, Sleeping Pills, and an adapter.

Sarah Y: Favorite Prized Possession: Its a tie between my cat and my Sex and the City DVDs

Lauren G: Favorite Book: Skinny Bitch

Cassandra J: Favorite Prized Possession: My self-esteem because at the end of the day that is who you are.

Kristine A: 3 words to describe you: ambitious, positive, random

Cathleen C: Occupation: [blank]


[Editor's Note: um, wtf? I really hope this shot was taken at a Halloween game or else I'm letting a pic of a Colts cheerleader confuse me way more than it should. -- BP]

NO: The impossible to pronounce Saintsations



These Saintsations selected by New Orleans Magazine as people to watch


Hello, they’re cheerleaders!


Goals:


Chrissy: To one day own and manage an independent pharmacy.

Ashley L: To hopefully own a successful business in the industry of dance.

Jacqueline: To work in evolutionary biology and specialize in primate behavior in the modern, changing environment.


THE ART OF BETTING:


You have to love a headline like Art Museum Director Super Bowl Trash Talk: It's On"


MAYOR OR MAYNOTOR:


Every year the mayors of the two cities represented in the Superbowl make a wager. Depicting the continued bankruptcy of local governance, here are some articles, this one really defining down the concept of "escalation".

So it breaks down like this:


IND: Shrimp fucking cocktail.

NO: Coffee, doughnut mix, CDs, and “beads and other trinkets.”


Way to get into the spirit of things, guys.


POTENT DRUNKABLES:


IND: There are no known drinks which characterize Indianapolis, unless you want to include the previously-mentioned shrimp cocktail.


NO: Needless to say, New Orleans has its own official cocktail, Sazerac. Yes, official, as in voted on by the state legislature. Nah, they don't have anything better to do.


STRIP CLUBS:




IND: Classy Chassy (the first time those words have ever gone together), Babes East (item, location), Brad’s Brass Flamingo (a tangled mix of inferences).


[Editor's Note: when I finally make it to New Orleans, THIS is the place I'm taking my $1s to. -- BP)

NO: Celestial Bodies (astronomy-themed), The Ship’s Wheel (nautical-themed), Scuttlebutt (butt-themed).


Dare we say it… Go Saints!


Enjoy the Game!

Home Instore Tomorrow! Brah Session 3
February 3, 2010



This is the moment when Home signed their lives away to Brah Records. We were at a terrible restaurant in Williamsburg probably 5 years ago.

To celebrate that inauspicious moment for both of our organizations, tomorrow night (Thurs) Home is playing an in-store performance at Sound Fix Records at 7pm (to also celebrate the release of their new killer LP - Seventeen).

Sound Fix is on 44 Berry Street in Brooklyn. . .and I recommend that you drag your ass out to it.

In other news - here's some shots from our third Brah Studio Session with Chaw Mank!



A few weeks ago Brooklyn's Chaw Mank (featuring Richard from Sightings and Brian from Mouthus) graced the Ocropolis with their bass and guitar improvisations.



Brian contemplates the crisp taste of an imported lager.



That's me. . .what a sweater! It's warm. Thanks sis!



Brian ripping.

We are in the middle of recording many many digital singles for a project that will see the light of day this summer. . .

Do not do any blinking until then.

"Excellent" Band Names/HOME Reminder
January 28, 2010


(click this link and then click the image for a larger version of Wolfy and Kayrock Screen Printing's list)

This post is an ever-expanding list of unused yet excellent band names.. please feel free to use them for your project(s), just do let us know which one you've claimed or our legal team will be suing your a**es once you've begun to make some $$. Oh, and we've taken the liberty of mining a little internet gold/attaching some photos to the names, think of it as inspiration, a call to reach higher and achieve more. You're welcome!

Unused/Excellent Band Names (words by MT; Pics by KM & BP)

Mini-Fridges (cold wave synth)


Do Do Work (no wave guitar skronk)

Pots & Pans (white lo-fi neo-world music)

Some Different Pants (new wave)


The Honest Hardly Working Americans (rock 'n' roll a la NY Dolls)


Pescados Pesados (lost Argentinian psych band)

Food Allergies (punk)

Cheetos Juice (jam band)


And last but absolutely not least:
The Avocados (they´re either a Californian neo-hippie band or else a Canadian funny band like Barenaked Ladies)

[Editor's Note: I went with the 'Canadian funny band', obvs]

I hope you've enjoyed this little reminder of what happens when cameras and computers fall into the wrong hands. Now, do I mean those pictured, or those posting? One can only guess. Thanks to Wolfy at Kayrock Screenprinting, Inc. and MT and DK working their way through SA for their help, we all had a hand in this masterpiece.



I just found that sweet pic of the Home boxset. I thought I'd use it to illustrate this reminder that Seventeen is available!! Right now!! Why haven't you ordered it already?!?! Do you love when I repeat myself?!!?! Cause I'll keep doing it, I don't mind at all!! Believe me!!

xo

HOME Release!! TODAY!!
January 26, 2010



It's finally here!! Release day for the new Home record!! If you haven't preordered the lp by now (and why the hell haven't you?), you can order it here! In fact, why not round out your Home collection with the boxset and Sexteen while you're at it?! You won't be disappointed!! Why am I using so many exclamation points today?!

Here is a Dusted music feature by Eric Morrison. I have always ALWAYS loved Fred and Ginger and I'm glad Eric does too.

It is with great pleasure that I share with you this exclusive video for the song "Sugarplum" from Seventeen. It's a contender for my favorite song on the album so I am doubly pleased.



Let me also hip you to the fact that the current show at Cinders Gallery, Know New York, features the original Home 17 artwork by Maya Hayuk. You can see the sht in the flesh. The show runs until February 7th and you should check it out in your free time.

You may hear from me later, I may have more to share. Intrigued? Maybe a little? Damn.

OK, for the 3 of you who were like "yeah, wondering what she's up to now..." I'd like to add this video for "Easter Snow"...



.. and this one for "Gladdy Glad".



Make no mistake, I had no hand in the making of those videos, I'm just happy to share them with you. I am enjoying them very much when I should be working and I suggest you do the same.



One more video to present to you, our Public: Eric's boys jammin' to "Loss". Enjoy!!

xo

WHAT UP PRINCE? Brah is Kicking Everyone's Ass
January 22, 2010



Seriously - now is the time for Brah to shine. We're scooping the world on this shit.

First of all - it's not news that Prince wrote a song for the Vikings. The news is that all the f'in clowns who are running with the story are linking to a shitty MP3 hosted on Minnesota Fox affiliate who is claiming it's an "exclusive."

I'm not going to link to that shit b/c we don't like Fox and we don't like frauds. Get in line dudes. The quality of the MP3 posted on Fox is atrocious.

Upon further review by brass here at Brah, the MP3 posted on the Fox site is not only atrocious but incomplete. Not a minute in the song fades to the tv broadcast of the Vikings footage being shown. Shitty AND abbreviated... a serious WTF to that! -- BP

All of us music and sports fans over here at Brah know WTF is UP WITH MUSIC AND SPORTS.

We actually go to the sports websites.

We also listen to music.

I'm not sure how to feel about that but get your facts straight.

All the haters out there? Prince is still killing it.